Wednesday, August 19, 2015

The Blog is Dead, Long Live the Blog

TK writes:
We haven't posted anything in a very long time, and I don't imagine you've missed us. However, we have been working on something very big that we hope to announce soon. In the meantime, enjoy an easy to navigate index of all the HotDamnTV drinking games we've ever posted, mostly based on movies. The majority of them were written by Grant (pic related, it's Grant). I think you'll find it very comprehensive, you damned lush.

HotDamnTV drinking games for your liver and brain
Live! starring Bob Levy
Disney's S-word in the Stone
Danny Boyle's Sunshine
Back To The Future I
Stop!
Actual poverty.
SWAT
Prince of Persia: Sands of Time
Planet Earth
Harry Potter
Thunderstruck!
Home Alone
Unforgiven
Robin Hood (Disney Animated)
Robin Hood (Men in Tights)
Robin Hood (Classic)
Willow starring Tom Cruise
Scott Pilgrim vs. The World
Stargate
pong
The Crow
Conan the Barbarian (original)
State of the Union Address (Obama version)
The Big Lebowski
Children of Men
The Spirit

That's it, kids! What interesting drinking games have you come up with? Post them in the comments below so we can all be drunk and alone together over the internet. Drink responsibly! Or don't, I'm not your dad.

Monday, January 13, 2014

cHERyl





INT. BASEMENT -- AROUND 3PM

Lyle had clearly just woken up.  He is a hikikomuri living in his mother's basement, he loves his anime his country and his God.  One day he receives a strange message on his googlechat machine.

 Lyle begins to sweat loudly and clicks the link.


Lyle puts on his fedora.


Lyle pauses the newest episode of My Little Pony : Friendship is Magic and clicks again!


Lyle's fedora falls off as his desire to know more increases!


Lyle would never be a member of any sight that would have him, unless it is a forum discussing Christ and The Transformers.


Lyle smoothes the creases in his cargo shirts and clicks again.




FADE TO BLACK

And that's probably how HER goes. Or something much like it.  Joaquin Phoenix is nowhere near as meta and edgy as James Franco.  Also here is this:








Tuesday, November 19, 2013

We're Not Smoking Crack...

I get a lot of emails every day. Most of it is spam, some of it is daily epic deals and suchlike, but I have been pleasantly surprised with the awesomeness of one company.  Spirit Airlines has the testicular fortitude to set itself apart as the Michael Richards of email marketing.  They're as edgy as the parrot from Aladdin making a joke about 9/11 WAY too soon after the 9/11s. 


One morning while browsing the emails that hand wandered into my inbox over night like wisps of fog blown across a Scottish moor (delicious visuals) I chanced upon one with the title "We're Not Smoking Crack..." and then glanced over to the sender and saw it was my dear and faithful penpal Spirit Airlines.  They are almost as faithful as the crap I get from a linked in account I made in college, or the damned offers from Mimis Cafe.  That sort of attention is not worth a free breakfast guys.  I opened the email instead of banishing it directly to the fourth ring of hell (my trash folder) and was greeted with this:

  

This could be the edgiest spam email I've ever received and although I have no idea how I got onto their mailing list I now fully endorse spirit airlines.  To make a joke about Rob Ford and used it as a way to market flights to the city of delicious snow (you got that snow, man?) is absolutely awesome.  According to a coworker who is from Canada, Toronto used to be a nice place.  My Grandma used to say that about the Plaza Bonita Mall in Chula Vista, but she was always being racist because brown people made her nervous.  Old racist people are adorable. 

In case you are confused about why jokes about smoking crack are funny and you were wondering why a hitchcockian silhouette and a record tally would be funny you sure have come late to the party.  Your boy (Rob Ford, the former current whatever guy from Toronto) apparently likes to get really wasted with "urban" individuals and smoke a bunch of crack.  And shoot video of it.  Well done Toronto.

 
 
-G

PS: Have you guys been watching our new season of CRAFTY?! Its going very well. So many delicious beers, and we put our livers on the line for YOU!  Visit HotDamnTV.com/crafty or go to HotDamnTV.com and click on the delicious beer. Or get lost browsing our website like I get lost in Cary Elwes' eyes in The Princess Bride and maybe you'll find it.  Episode two is out now!

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

HORRORS of Craigslist! (part iii)


Welcome my little friends to the darker side of one of the most useful and spookiest places on the internets!  This is HORRORS OF CRAIGSLIST~!  Each thread of this tapestry of woe and misery will be woven together before your very eyes.  Witness if you dare, the first installment that removes the rose tinted spectacles and reveals true unpleasantness and shocking audacity on the world's largest free classified page.  Read on fellows, if you're a bad enough dude.

part iii: Free... GIVE ME a trampoline.. For my goats?


Normally when you find something posted in craigslist's free section (aka the part of the ocean floor just past the continental shelf where everything just kind of slides off into the abyss, but just before the spooky tranny meetup threads) it is someone trying to give something away. For free.  That's what its for.  The vast majority of the posts follow this seemingly simple formula.  The other two things that get placed are panhandlers and SCAM ALERT white knight bullshit.  Panhandlers seem to think that by demanding a free washing machine or refrigerator because god bless you and I have 10 kids and they all need new ropas de ninos for school and whatever sob story you should make getting free shit on craigslist easier for them and I guess they're entitled because they almost spelled everything right in their ad.  Nice try Bruce, but free shit is earned through luck and skill.  It doesn't just fall in your lap.

All rants aside though, this beggar has got to be the most awesome one I've ever seen.  He wants a trampoline for his goats to gambol on!  Gamboling is goats doing goat stuff.  Ya know, like frolicking.  This guy is some kind of saint.  He has so much going for him.  When have you ever used the phrase "my goat herd" in a sentence?  Let alone this awesome sentence:


And this guy took the time out of his busy schedule to include names and pictures of all of his rad goats (that he employs on his sexy animal farm):

Lotus, Gorgeous, Blake, Zen, Christina, Lucy and Moose (The bad boy)
Why this guy owns goat(s) I really don't care, but damn it he wants them to be happy!  SOMEONE GIVE THIS GUY A TRAMPOLINE!  I'm not even going to go over how he's from Antelope Valley, one of the worst parts of the country since Hesperia formed itself a municipal county.  Also take note, if you were inclined to give this guy a trampoline you can find yourself the proud owner of some spooky not so free range chicken eggs and some preserves. Now he did state what was preserved, but if its in a mason jar and you got it from a weirdo there is a 90% chance its urine.


On a scale of 1 to SPOOOKY this ad rates a 1/2 out of 5 possible spook'ems for meeting the following criteria: Awww lookit the goats doing goat stuff on a trampoline!



-G

PS: Know of any horrors of craigslist we should know about?  Drop us a line here in the comments or on our learning challenged facebook page!  While you're here you should probably subscribe to our jazz and also go to the facemash and join that!  We will love you forever and let you play with our Army Men in the sandbox.

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

HORRORS of Craigslist! (part ii)


Welcome my little friends to the darker side of one of the most useful and spookiest places on the internets!  This is HORRORS OF CRAIGSLIST~!  Each thread of this tapestry of woe and misery will be woven together before your very eyes.  Witness if you dare, the first installment that removes the rose tinted spectacles and reveals true unpleasantness and shocking audacity on the world's largest free classified page.  Read on fellows, if you're a bad enough dude.

part ii: Free... SPIDER for $50?

OH MY GOD KIDS GET BACK IN THE CAR, Look at the size of that spider!  I happened to be browsing the Free section (aka Le'Section Du Excellence) the other day and stumbled across this gem.  Finding some savage trying to sell something for $50 in the free section is always a treat, but a varmint that he found behind his toilet?  In Long Beach?  By all the gods. 

I do applaud Adam's effort, I even decided to blur out his phone number.  Kudos for being brave enough to put that up.  I wonder who would respond to an advert like this? In my mind I imagine the conversation would go something like this:

 TRANSCRIPT BEGINS:

**RING RING RING**

ADAM: Hello, this is like Adam and stuff.

CALLER: ~HEAVY BREATHING~

ADAM: HELLO? Enrique is that you vato?

CALLER: ~Clears throat~ H...hello, I am calling in regards to your
~sharp inhale as voice changes pitch a bit higher and more frantic~
Spider, it looks really lovely and I think I could give it a good home is it still available I am driving around long beach now just in case I came all the way from La Canada Flintridge and I would really like it!

ADAM: (barely audible: Oh Jesus..) Umm, yea man but the price went u
p this is like a premium spider with all legs fully attached and shit esse.

CALLER: ~High pitched squeak~ So what you're saying is that it is available?

ADAM: Yea, I just said it was. Damn.

CALLER: And its Huge? You said you would be willing to trade, what can I do to make this happen?

ADAM: I dunno like unnn.... Maybe some rims or something?  My little primo has this dope razor scooter and we wanna trick it out.  I mean its like already pretty low to the ground, but rims would help eyyy.

CALLER: Done and done. What is your address. ~Sharp inhale~ I'll write it down in my palm pilot.

**TRANSCRIPT ENDS**

You know, and more like that.  Only weirder.  I hope to the dark lord of the Missed Connections section of Craigslist that someone actually answered this guy's ad.  I am sure it must have been magical.


On a scale of 1 to SPOOOKY this ad rates a 5/5 for meeting the following criteria: Holy shit what the fuck a spider? It was posted in the free section and your boy clearly wanted to get paid for a fucking spider he found in his bathroom! And finally because he seemed to think that someone might be willing to barter for a spider.  He found.  In his bathroom.



-G

PS: Know of any horrors of craigslist we should know about?  Drop us a line here in the comments or on our learning challenged facebook page!  While you're here you should probably subscribe to our jazz and also go to the facemash and join that!  We will love you forever and let you play with our Army Men in the sandbox.

BONUS: Since this is our first ever 5/5 on the spook-o-meter here is a bonus gif that probably wont work because I don't think blogger likes gifs: