Monday, August 31, 2009

inb4 v& LOL

Click to enlarge, bitch.

Twilight Colon New Moon SPOILER ALERT OMG

Alex writes:

we worked on some filming for the new hotdamn twilight/new moon related video

in it you will learn:

Why is kristen stewart’s voice so low?

Why edward cullen really left bella

Why that black vampire really wanted to eat bella

and:

Who shot first, Han or Greedo?

Coming soon!

TK writes:

Another Rape at Duke

alex writes:

everyone remembers the alleged rape of a stripper by the duke lacross team a few years ago (duke lacross would be a great porn name by the way)

well were all about breaking news on the hotdamntv blog so here is the latest on another rape at duke university, this time involving the soccer team:

http://www.goduke.com/ViewArticle.dbml?DB_OEM_ID=4200&ATCLID=1552613

TK's car blow'd up!?!? Also "Internet Tough Guy"

TK writes:
That’s right, kids. The famous HotDamnTV 77 Racer (Brad’s Garage, Beer Pong FAIL, Nominal Racer, and many more) may get blown up on national TV if we’re lucky. I entered it in the “Conan, Please Blow Up My Car” contest for the Tonight Show. Basically, Conan is looking for the worst car in America, and when he finds it he’s going to blow it up with explosives on the Tonight Show, and then give the owner a brand new Lexus! Here is my entry:

*****

In unrelated news, some douchebag left some disrespectful comment about the Megan Fox on the site and the blog. Now, normally, I don’t care when people do this (because hey, you can’t please everyone), but this is one of those assholes who is too much of a pussy to say something IRL, but will knock you hard on the internet (see “internet tough guy“). Here is the comment and my response. :D

“I sat in the row in front of this guy. Security got him as he sat down and took him aside. They looked at his badge and said “this obviously isn’t your badge, who’s is it.” He said “It’s my mom’s badge.” Loser.”

My response (click to enlarge)

Here are his email addresses:

fitztwg@msn.com

standup12@msn.com

Feel free to send obscene pictures and put the email addresses on spam lists. :D

<3>

Grant's Lulz: Juliet Edition

Break it up, nothing to read here. Also bothering Juliet is fun:

-G

Barack Obama and the "N" word

alex writes:

I regret not voting for obama, but not for the reasons you would think.

I realise now if i had, i could make any racist joke and say any black racial slur i wanted.

Then, if anyone of any race criticized me for it and called me a racist i could just say “hey, i voted for obama!”

too bad i didnt think of this before the election. (Maybe in 3 years)

*sigh* ~regret~

Grant's Job Hunt: Vol 1

Read Tom’s post, mine is not funny. So I am poor (desperately so, read: Oliver Twist, Grapes of Wrath, shit like that) and I have been on a never ending quest to find a job. Unable to find a legitimate big boy job (ie one with a salary and benefits and 401k) I have sunk to attempting to land a job at GameStop (Inb4 Battletoads). I have been doing the opposite of what I normally do (campaign of terror) and I have been trying to impress these fellows by showing up and making my intent to be a grownup known. This evening I brought them cookies. :3 More to come.
-G

Our final Comic Con video

Our final video from Comic Con. Enjoy! LOL B&

Partying with Megan Fox (for real, though)

TK writes:

Here is another epic story from Comic Con that most of you probably haven’t heard: How I crashed Megan Fox’s premiere party for Jennifer’s Body (written by Diablo Cody).

So on Thursday, me and Matt Holland (the guy who gave me his extra Comic Con badge) went to the Kickass panel (Kickass is an upcoming Mark Millar movie starring Nicholas Cage and Christopher Mintz-Plasse, it looks AMAZING). Matt got up to the mic to ask Millar to have a beer with him, and Millar said he would probably grab a beer at the Hyatt before he went back to Scotland or whatever.


With this in mind, Matt and I went to the Hyatt that night in an attempt to do some kind of legitimate Hollywood networking. We looked at both of the downstairs bars at the Hyatt but alas, no Mark Millar. We were about to leave when we saw a sign that said KIN Nightclub - 3rd floor. We thought “Mark Millar is Hollywood elite, he must be at this nightclub.” So up we went.

When we got upstairs, we were disappointed to find out that there were over 9000 security guards. We tried to tell one of them that we were there to see Mark Millar, and the guard was about to blow us off, but then he saw my Sony HVR-Z1U. He assumed we were press, and pushed us through to the girl with the VIP list. I read a name off the list when she wasn’t looking, and she gave us two beautiful Myspace wristbands, ensuring anyone skeptical that we did in fact belong there.

As we were walking, we passed this red carpet and saw every celebrity ever. XOMG STAN LEE

Then we went to the bar and this happened:

And then I woke up and experienced most of Friday’s Comic Con still wasted from Megan Fox’s party. I was definitely still drunk when I asked her to be in a sex tape with me. Personally I would have much rather just had a beer with Mark Millar, because he’s over 9000 times cooler than Megan Fox.

HotDamnTV's First Radio Interview

The time has come, my friends, to talk of many things. Of Comic-Con and Megan Fox, of cabbages and kings. TK was interviewed on the San Diego’s Rock Station 105.3’s Mikey Morning Show this morning and thanks to the almost quick thinking of myself it was recorded (mostly) for posterity. New shit y’all, NEW SHIT! Observe:

-G

Moar Adventures of a Comic Con Virgin

I herd u liek comic con so I made another video about it. Also LOL SEX TAEP :D



I asked Megan Fox to make a sex tape with me LOL

TK writes:

“A guy gets halfway through asking Megan Fox a question about sex tapes before getting kicked out.”

- Katey Rich, cinemablend.com

“In customary Hall H fashion, things quickly got sleazy and weird, with various men proceeding to propisition Fox. One guy with a shoulder-mounted camera asks Fox to star in a sex tape with him…”

- Nick de Semlyen, empireonline.com

“An audience member asks Fox if she’d be interested in a celebrity sex tape, and the audience boos him down. Brolin says, “I’d love to see what that guy looks like in 30 minutes.”

- Michael Buckner, spike.com

“Some moron asked Megan Fox if she’d be interested in helping him kick-off his film career by filming a sex tape. He was pulled away immediately.”

- Vic Holtreman, screenrant.com

Yeah that was me. (finally we’re getting some press) :D

List of Celebrities who pretend-hate us:

Aaron Ryder, John Landis, Edgar Wright, Russell Carpenter, Dewaldt Hicks, Mega64, and derrickcomedy.

List of Celebrities who actually hate us:

Megan Fox, Josh Brolin, and Ben Savage.

Lunch?



I’m so hungry. I was thinking about getting some McNuggets, but then I realized that they’re made out of gluten filler and AIDS. Also, I have Dinos in the freezer so if I’m going to eat processed chicken bits, they might as well be shaped like dinosaurs. FUCK YES

Here are the lunch options I’m considering:

  • Cock-flavored soup
  • Dinos FUCK YES
  • Dinosaur steak (not to be confused with Dinos, this is actual Tyrannosaur meat. rawr.)
  • 55 caps and stems of Psilocybe cubensis mushrooms, and one fluid ounce of LSD to wash it down
  • My 4-week-old nephew (sauteed)
  • Three crack rocks and a peanut
  • Soup-flavored cock
  • The Twitter bird
  • or a Hertz Donut

~THE TALE OF SIR BEN SAVAGE~


So our friend Juliet met Ben Savage at a club and he wanted to have sex with her. He managed to obtain her telephone digits by bragging about how many women he had had sex with in that particular nightclub. She didn’t know who he was and kept telling him that he sucked in Indiana Jones 4. He tried to explain that he wasn’t Shia LeBouf, and she replied: “Whatever, I wouldn’t admit it either, that movie sucks.” He would text her occasionally to invite her to parties, Vegas, etc.

Then one time we were all really drunk and she was passed out, so we took her phone and texted him: “I’m watching Boy Meets World and touching myself”. He never texted her again. Then Chris decided to forward Ben’s phone number to all of his friends and told them to call him and say how cool HotDamnTV is.

Chris still calls him occasionally.


Dead Celebs and Cat Sports

We know how much you all love cat pong, so we’re looking into some other cat sports. Is this win?

Also, HotDamnTV is a front for the mob. In reality, we are professional hitmen who killed Billy Mays, Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcet, Ed McMahon, David Carradine, Karl Malden, and Steve McNair. We had to kill them because they were all witnesses in the harassment trial Ben Savage brought against HotDamnTV. (more on that later) <3

King of Pop Dies at 50

(AP) Earlier today, pop star Michael Jackson was admitted to a Los Angeles hospital. He was suffering from severe blunt trauma that he endured at the hands of a man who caught him fapping to cp of the man’s son. Mad lols ensued at the admitting hospital, where numerous children taunted Jackson: “Too old, do not want, LOL.” Jackson passed away when the mods banned his IP. Lifetime friend of Jackson, pedobear said the following at a press conference this afternoon: “LOL more delicious lolis for me FAPFAPFAP.” Pedobear has taken posession of all of dat CP on Jackson’s home computer, and plans to continue fapping in Jackson’s memory.

Upcoming video: Brad's Garage

Beer Pong Cat: A Response from TK

Daft Hands 2.0

Have you seen HotDamnTV's new video? Way better than Daft Hands imo.

Self-archiving FTW

TK writes:

I’m an uncle! I posted a video of my sister drinking half a bottle of vodka the day before her c-section and put it on the internet, is this win? Originally posted on the anonymous section of /ebaumsworld/ >:3

Pool's closed, dawg

TK writes:

Today, I wanted to edit our newest video, but the editing bay is down. So instead I will twitblog about HotDamnTV on the internetz.

In closing, I am a good big brother who gives scholarly advice.


HotDamnTV Hate Mail Vol. 1

It’s been a long time coming, but finally we offer you the first edition of HotDamnTV’s Hate Mail! Enjoy!
Name: Suckamyhalfblackcock     Email: quebecman44@yahoo.com
Subject: Oreo Jizz on your FACE      Message: You should
find some skeezy beezys to come for a ride on my mixed
color dip stick
Name: you FUCKER      Email: www.dross.com/contact   Subject: fuck
YOUR SPAM in MY INBOX
Message: I WONT WATCH YOUR CRAP. DONT SPAM MY WEBSITE
YOU FUCKZ... I GOT NO FRIENDS. NOW FUCK OFF AND LEAVE
MY SHIT ALONE OR CUT ME A FUCKING CHECK... NBC
UNIVERSAL? YOURE DUMB.

Name: Your Secret Admirer      Email: itsasecret@gmail.com
Subject: Photo Request Message: I just wondered if I
could request a collection of pictures of TK. In the
nude. Thanks.


Sneek Peek new NBC shows!!!!!1

TK writes: I’d probably get in big trouble if I got caught telling you this, but NBC is planning on rolling out another show for the new season that hasn’t been announced yet:

Law And Order: Heroes

It’s a crossover. I smell an Emmy.

Srsly tho, NBC fall lineup is gonna be sweet. (My personal vote is for Community, because Yvette Nicole Brown is in it, and we're essentially bffs.)

In closing, Tim Romo.



Feeling Down?


This picture made me laugh because this kid is on a soccer field kicking a ball, but it's a basketball.



Disclaimer: The President of HotDamnTV spent nearly 10 years in special education, so we’re allowed to make fun of retards. Kind of like how black comedians are allowed to say the n-word.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Top Ten Reasons Why HotDamnTV Sucks

10. Hot girls and celebrities hate it.

9.
Rape jokes. Not okay.

8.
Some of those actors are on pot.

7. The president of the company is Italian.

6.
Not enough Grant.

5.
More rape jokes.

4. There's
too many snipers in this vi-

3.
Not good enough for Conan O'Brien.

2.
Not good enough for John Landis.

And the number 1 reason why HotDamnTV sucks:

1.
Bacon.

Tim.

If you'd like to go on a date with this guy, click here. Or call him. Seriously.



Internshit

TK writes: I was trolling Craigslist for ~FREELANCE~ work, when i found some dosher who was bitching about unpaid internships. Being an unpaid intern myself, I clicked the link out of curiosity. This guy had posted a link to a website which says what employers can and cannot do with interns:

“The training, even though it includes actual operation of the facilities of the employer, is similar to that which would be given in a vocational school… The employer that provides the training derives no immediate advantage from the activities of the trainees and on occasion the employer’s operations may actually be impeded

- U.S. Department of Labor

Basically, the employer is not allowed to benefit from the intern, they have to treat you like a student and actually try to teach you shit. Really? What company has time to do this? Does ANYONE treat interns as anything other than free labor? NBC sure didn't :D

~SUE EVERYONE~

pic related, it's Obama at a Dept. of Labor press conference.




Grant's Lulz Volume 1


Grant makes a funny sometimes, and then he puts it on the blog.

Chris Brown?


Last night, there was an epic car chase all over my city. Juicy gossip: it’s Chris Brown, and he’s depressed, and he beat his wife or something! Cool! I left work at about 11:15 to find 1000 copters, police, and paparazzi all over the god damn place. I was like XOMG wat celebrity @_@ So I called my friend Grant to tell him how exciting my life is. Today he sent me this comic showing how cool it was on his end!


Turns out the guy killed himself or something, but it wasn't Chris Brown so it's cool.



Happy V-Day!!!

Last year, TK was producer on a dramedy spec pilot about dealing with your ex on Valentine’s Day. He hoped it would be ready to show before Valentine’s Day. It’s not. In it’s place, we give you this:



Michael Phelps


We finally made our Michael Phelps / weed video:

here it is:

CLICK HERE for Phelps on Kellogg’s

















Alex writes:


i don’t wanna give too much plot away but i play a newscaster: marty oheta(a totaly original name)

interesting fact: news stands for north east west and south

ok its not that interesting, but impress your friends with your new knowledge

FRIEND: “hey phil how was your weekend?”

YOU: “did u just ask me what news means?”

Wait, another HotDamnTV blog?

Importing all HotDamnTV blogs to a new blog for backup.
Enjoy!