An attempt to... derive comedy.

A true story, by Grant:

Today in Calculus class (i'll explain later) these two gals who sit in front of me and a bit to the left were talking with the Russian exchange fella who sits right behind them. I had spoken with them before but do not know them by name. Anyway, they were speaking with the Russian bloke about how he had gotten a 100% on the test and they went on to comment about how foreign exchange students are always really smart.

I immediately chimed in to let them know that,
"That is racist,"Several people who heard me laughed, but the gal indicated via red arrow did not appreciate my humor and began to say something very trite about their badgering Boris being some sort of "A and B conversation.." to which I responded,
"Well this is calculus so, what say I derive that and get a 1 on 1 conversation?"

I was very impressed with how quick I thought up a response. So were several of my classmates. This is basically a story about how cool I am.

-G

BONUS: Got this sext message from TK who is currently in Hawaii not surfing big waves:

Rave reviews!

TK writes:

Was up all night watching Watchmen with a pretty girl and playing MW2, and when I couldn't sleep I went on /b/. There, I engaged in a short internet conversation with the creator of memegenerator.net (even if you haven't heard of it there's a 90% chance you've seen content generated by it).

Anyways, he told me he thought the website was cool, and I thought I would brag about it because he's indirectly famous in the internet comedy world. I will now format his comments about HotDamnTV in the style of movie reviews on the back of a DVD jacket:

This is all Dan, though. Memegenerator's praise has nothing to do with the actual videos themselves. *sigh* Alright fuck it I'm going to Hawaii. L8

lol AIDS

TK writes:
There is nothing more nerve-wracking than getting tested for STDs. Especially when statistically speaking, I should definitely have some kind of herp-hiv-hybrid. When I think back to all of my recent sexual encounters, I feel a strange mix of nostalgia and concern:

-girl from my Girls Gone Wild tour

-Sara

-other Sara

-klepto Joe's Crab Shack waitress

-Lisa

-Any girl within 50 feet of me when I'm drunk

Since I'm a responsible slut, I routinely get blood work done. So I go to Planned Parenthood, and then to my doctor to get the total comprehensive picture of how dirty my cock is. Unfortunately, it's nothing like an episode of House where they just tell you the results in like 5 seconds. Apparently, they have ship to my blood (see pic^) and urine (What, you want to see a picture of my urine, you pervert?) to goddamn Antarctica for antigen tests and it takes like a week. The worst part is that Planned Parenthood tells you that they only call you if something is wrong. This means that every incoming call from an unknown number makes me go #2 in my pants.

After a while, the suspense starts getting to me: "What if they forgot? What if they got the lab tests mixed up? What if Doctor House forgot to take his Vicodin and wrote the wrong result?" Eventually, I break down and call Planned Parenthood to ask them what's going on with my junk. After placing me on hold for what seems like an eternity, they tell me my tests are all negative.

Finally, I can breathe. And have sex. I'M SO GLAD MY DICK IS CLEAN.

Mailbag Day! Also Las Vegas.

TK writes:
Occasionally, people send us mails through the contact us page. Here are two that caught my eye.

msg #1:

kissmyasshumanity@fatcockinurass.com sent you a message:
"FUCK HUMANITY FUCK ALL OF U LAMES EAT SHIT DIE SLOW"

My reflections on this: Sometimes Internet Tough Guys eat too much Adderoll and discover caps lock all in the same day. I assume this person, who identified himself only as "compton" thinks that I was actually the reason that Humanity Festival got shut down early (either that, or he hates humanity in general, and he's slowly messaging every website in the world one at a time to let us all know). We get a lot of people like this. They can't seem to wrap their heads around the fact that we're a sketch comedy group, and the things in our videos are NOT REALITY. (except for the whole Megan Fox thing. I totally had sex with her.)

msg #2:

"it would be hilarious if their was a skit of someone on drugs and bad stuff kept happening to him, like a guy jumps out with a shotgun and a clown mask and repeatedly says who wants to die!!! and I got a real shotgun you can use!"

My reflections on this: One of the best things about being the Creative Director of a comedy website is that people routinely pitch you the stupidest and most poorly thought out ideas on the planet. "Dude, you guys should like, make a video making fun of Kanye West or something, bro." Shut the fuck up.

Also, why the hell would I want to use A REAL FIREARM in a comedy sketch? That would be silly. In closing, this is what happened to me in Vegas this weekend:

Don't feel bad for me though, because after this I got to kiss a girl named Sara. But first, this happened: