Drinking Game: Poverty

TK writes:

Hey there kids! This week we've got a new drinking game that's based on recovernomics! Have you ever wanted to go out on the town but you just don't have the budget for it? Join the club! Because the middle class is dead. You'll never be rich (unless you're Dan Beam).

For the rest of us however, survival and sustainability is the new American dream. Aaron Mayer shows the other half (that's you, America!) how to party hard (and broke) in this week's drinking game:

Stay thirsty (and hungry) my friends.

EntertainMENt

Exciting news everyone! This hotness just dropped on Wednesday, but fuck that we don't write on Wednesday. I watched this shit years ago on straight boot leg, and I was floored. Now stick with me sportsfans I know we don't normally do weeaboo shit here, but this is worth your time. I've never seen such a surreal blend of metaphor, innuendo and down right fun in an Anime. I know (dumb) people who have watched this entire thing and come away like "Wait... wut." What is this collection about? SEX. That's what its all about. This beautiful bluray collection is all one big commentary about all of the hormones and feelings that were swirling around inside of your noggin when you were young, dumb, and full of cum (yours or someone else's if you're a broad, or gay stuff too I guess.). I heartily approve, in fact I'm genuinely stoked that this is finally out on bluray.

An entertainMENt post wouldn't be complete without a bunch of quoted text from someone else to make it look big and fluffy, let's go to the tale of the tape and read the synopsis they have toasted on hAmazon.com:

When the three powerhouse creators of Eden of the East, Gurren Lagann and Neon Genesis Evangelion bumped heads, they spawned the series that broke all the rules - then broke the mold.
Naota is a detached sixth-grader afflicted by the pangs of puberty. He's fooling around with his brother's ex-girlfriend when a crazed girl on a motor scooter runs him over, brains him with a bass guitar, and moves into his house. This pink-haired girl, Haruko - who claims she's an alien - hurls Naota into the middle of a mega-corporation's secret agenda. Oh, and now giant battling robots shoot from his skull. Mix in mind-bending animation and tunes that echo through your cerebellum to top off the trip that will have you falling hard for FLCL.
-Amazon.com

That pretty much sums it up. Whoever wrote that should get a job summarizing movies. Did you know professional "writers" who summarize movies wrote about Ridley Scott's "Alien" (1979) that it was "Like Jaws, but in space"? Neat stuff. Can you believe that's a job? Shit, I can do that. Watch: Tyler Perry's "Madea Goes to Jail" is a movie about black people with black problems in silly circumstances that white people won't wanna go see. Bam, that'll be $5,000.00. Justin Bieber's "Never Say Never" is about... is that lesbian still around? Fuck, just go see Tron if its still playing. I'll take 2 Gs for that. Gene Shalit's got nothin' on me.

-G

Twofer Tuesday

Hail adventurers! This week's twofer is a grab bag of videos sent in by kids just like you, or videos that I simply stole from your facemash feed. Remember, if you have a suggestion for a video you want me to type words underneath of and want to get a shout out on the blog email grant@hotdamntv.com or post on the facebook group wall, or leave a comment, or fuck you.



This first vidya comes from Mr. Alex Wolf. Speculation has it that he is the fittest member of the HotDamCham play actors. He has routinely picked small girls up over his head, eaten 2 pounds of beef in one sitting, and has been billed as "The World's Angriest Man". He sent me what can only be described as the most bodacious pyramid scheme infomercial to grace the air waves. This Korean fella that probably battled my Grandpa in World War I has found some kind of secret (sauce) to making foxy babes straight drip off of him. If Tom Vu can do it, you can probably send him money for like 6 VHS tapes of him fucking your dad and pooping on an American flag. Props to Alex Woof for sending this one in.



This next pretty polly I plucked off of TK's newsfeed. He had toasted it on our webmaster's wall. Dan is into PC using. People send him shit that is relevant to that. I'm into ICP, so people constantly send me links to that Juggalo News thing from a few months ago. I guess keep doing it, or whatever. This video shows literally every instance of google's CEO saying certain things. Its kind of funny. Fuck you, it isn't easy coming up with original comment all the darn time! Props to TK and Dan. Big ups.

-G

EntertainMENt

Its not shock that HotDamnTV is always hunting cotton, we're huge fans of doing sex in ladies. TK is really good at convincing girls to allow him access to the holiest of holies (a small room 10 cubits x 10 cubits (15' x 15') separated from the Holy Place by the veil). I haven't had sex in almost a year, but a certain celebrity has me beat.

On 'Dancing With the Stars,' Brandy admitted she hasn't been intimate with a man for six years -- now she tells Life & Style why.

"I haven't been with a man seriously and in love in six years. And, honestly, I tend to abstain if I'm not in a relationship," Brandy says.

Although it hasn't actually been a full six years, the singer says, "It's been a long time. We're talking years."

Brandy has tried getting back in the dating game, though. "I actually went on a blind date a couple months ago that was very interesting but nothing serious."

Brandy Life & StyleThere was a time when Brandy had a thing for rapper Flo Rida. "I was very interested in him. I mean, how can you not be -- he's very attractive. But there was just something about us that didn't click."

- courtesy of PopEater

I think we can all agree Brandy is one fine black girl. I's fair to say that I have a thing for her. If you don't think she's fine and wanna help her break that slump then you're probably an homosex, which is cool if you like dudesbutts. Its nice to see that a celebrity can't get laid either. Even an incredibly hot one that must be hanging out exclusively in West Hollywood to avoid the attentions of the millions of guys who are interested in her.

HotDamnTV just has one question... Do you date white dudes?



-G

Twofer Tuesday

This week's Twofer is about Tyler Shields. Who the fuck is Tyler Shields? I was surfing the tubes the other day when I stumbled onto a website by the name of "don't link this". He asked not to so fuck him, no links. At first it seemed like a tubesite just full of random brickabrack and celebrity nudity (intentional or otherwise) which I'm completely comfortable with. Then I noticed a pretty unpaternal appreciation of some of the younger Hollywood talent available now.



Seems legit. I'm sure he's got a partyvan with his name written all over it. Anyway he had a link to this first vidya by some kind of hipster "artist" named Tyler Shields. Who apparently knows all sorts of legit Hollywood types and gets them to make art (Keep zee fence, lose zee clothes).



Wait.. What is this and how have I not seen it before now? This is The Cheerleader and this is some highly suggestive stuff. This is a video of The Cheerleader doing science to a bottle of champagne. That's just neat. This shit is so sexy HotDamnTV might just remake it. With me.



Here's another example by this Tyler Shields fella. I can't even pretend to understand what's happening here, but I think I'll allow it. I'm not certain who Sarah Paxton is but she's definitely got some green peepers attached to her facebox (Egg Shen... EGG SHEN! You have come a long ways to find me. But it is too late. There are two girls with green eyes, and I will marry them both. And then I will sacrifice Gracie Law to appease my emperor and live out my earthly pleasures with Miao Yin.)

-G

Everywhere I look.. Juggalos

Back again with another quick installment of EILJ for your non-interested asses! I was going to include this in my first toast but unfortunately I did not have a copy of the movie, so I didn't, so I apologize. I get pretty geeked whenever I see juggalo shit show up in mainstream films or on TV. Shucks, you would have to try pretty hard to not notice Hatchetman signs in the crowd whenever WWF has a show on.

Anyway, Be Cool (2005) is the sequel to Get Shorty (1995). The first one was about gangsters doing gangster shit in the movie industry. The second one is all about gangsters doing gangster shit in the music biz. They're pretty good movies. One scene is set in a record company's office and while the camera is tracking the actors you can see this shit in the background. This is something ICP actually sold for a brief time on their web store Hatchetgear.com, as I recall it cost more 100 bucks because of the inconvenience of shipping a 6 foot tall posse of clowns. It was a cardboard standup to promote The Wraith: Shangri La, allegedly sent to record stores as well but I'm sure juggalos who observed them either stole 'em or slipped the nerd behind the counter a few bills and then made off with it.

Still in the same scene the camera pans a bit more and you can catch a glimpse of this in the background on the wall of another office. This is a poster for ICP's 4th Joker Card "The Great Milenko" arguably one of ICPs most well known album because at least two bitches I went to high school with borrowed it and never gave it back. Fuck, I think I've bought like 4 copies of it. I've actually got this poster too, its pretty fresh. I recall reading an interview with ICP and they asked about all of their shit showing up in this movie and some set dresser was some kind of juggalo and put all that stuff around to try to make the office look like it was a legit record label. Because I'm lazy I can't be bothered to google this or try to find a source to cite, but I'm fairly certain I didnt make this up.

Can you kids think of any other movies with juggalo shit in it? Feel free to toast in the comment section and you will receive wealth beyond your wildest dreams. By wealth I mean absolutely nothing.



-G

ENJOY YOUR VD (Valentine's Day)

TK writes:
Hello lovers. Every year HotDamnTV tries to bring you some inappropriate Valentines that you can sext to people you want to breed with. This year we saved these jpegs off 4chan worked very hard to make these for you, so send them to someone you (don't) care about!

Look At These Fucking Hipsters

TK writes:
Hello there children. As you know, we here at HotDamnTV pride ourselves in getting celebrities and people who are way cooler than us to speak on camera about how much we suck. Some noteworthy individuals we've gotten to talk mad shit on tape in the past include John Landis, Nat from 3OH!3, Rocco Botte from Mega64, Dominic Dierkes from derrickcomedy, Aaron Ryder, Madelyn Marie(NSFW, srsly), Bob $tencil, and Megan Fox(lol sextape).

But I have never been more stoked and excited to have talent tell me I am a heap of shit than I am today, folks. At a tiny hipster venue in San Diego called the Casbah, I saw Andrew Jackson Jihad(my favorite band), and much to my delight they were willing to say the worst things about HotDamnTV that have ever been uttered. And we recorded it all for posterity:



If you have never heard Andrew Jackson Jihad, you're stupid and your face is stupid. I have shot and uploaded two of their concerts to Youtube, and you should appreciate the fuck out of their raw, organic, DIY ethic sound below. Unless you're some kind of conformist who listens to the radio. Don't be a slave to the corporate media, man. I only listen to 8 tracks.



This show was shot in Echo Park in Jaunary 2010 and AJJ was cool enough to do a second show so everyone could see them play. It's not a big deal if you haven't heard of them. Your music is probably all radio hits. Sometimes I listen to Katy Perry even though she's mainstream, but I just do it to be ironic. I wore 15 American Apparel scarves to this concert, and after the show we all ate vegan chili and talked about our blogs and how much the war sucks.



This is the concert they performed right before they told us they wished they could burn us and pee on our ashes. I don't know if you can tell but I bought the band Pabst Blue Ribbon tall cans before the show. Of course I recycled the cans afterwards though, because I'm all about reducing my carbon footprint. I ride a fixed gear bicycle and I'm fighting to end racism, even though I've never experienced it. My parents are rich but that doesn't mean I'm rich. I'm just different, deal with it.

Q: How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: It's a pretty obscure number, I doubt you've heard of it.

EntertainMENt

It is no secret that we here at HotDamnTV (and by we I mean me and Tom, we can't vouch for everyone else ((they might be gay))) love The Cheerleader. Someone even made a movie about it called I Love You, Cheerleader (2009). Say, fun fact did you guys know she was in Remember The Cheerleader (2000) as the spunky daughter of Coach Hesnotrascist who played opposite Denzel Washington (in the role of New Black Headcoach)? Neat stuff. Anyway, when she's not an indestructible cheerleader and me and Tom's joint-girlfriend The Cheerleader likes to stretch her acting muscles. See below, for a detailed illustration of where those muscles are located.


I can keep this up all day. Anyway, The Cheerleader's next project is in a film called Amanda Knox: Murder On Trial. She plays some broad that allegedly teamed up with an Italian fella to off some other gal. Where the controversy comes in is that this is a VERY recent case and there is a bit of uproar about how insensitive it is to the family of the victim.

According to a press release from LIFETIME:

LIFETIME’S AMANDA KNOX: MURDER ON TRIAL IN ITALY, STARRING HAYDEN PANETTIERE AND MARCIA GAY HARDEN, TO PREMIERE FEBRUARY 21

PASADENA, CA (January 7, 2011) – Hayden Panettiere (Heroes, I Love You, Beth Cooper) and Academy AwardÒ-winning actress Marcia Gay Harden (Into the Wild, Pollock) star in Lifetime Television’s Amanda Knox: Murder on Trial in Italy. The original movie is based on the international headline-grabbing story of the now infamous American exchange student accused by Italian authorities of brutally killing her roommate. Amanda Knox: Murder on Trial in Italy will premiere on Monday, February 21, at 9PM ET/PT.

Amanda Knox: Murder on Trial in Italy poses the question of whether Knox (Panettiere), the Seattle honors student accused of murdering her college roommate Meredith Kercher (Amanda Fernando Stevens) in 2007 with her boyfriend Raffaele Sollecito (Paolo Romio) and acquaintance Rudy Guede (Djirbi Kebe), actually committed the crime or was herself a victim. Referred to as “Foxy Knoxy” by her Italian prosecutor, Guiliani Mignini (Vincent Riotta), and the press, Knox was painted as an oversexed remorseless killer during her two-year trial leading up to her conviction and subsequent sentencing to 26 years in jail. Harden portrays Amanda’s mother Edda Mellas.

I'm sorry, I wasn't paying attention. Are we talking about Captain America? So tune in to Lifetime (is that near the show about the guy who eats 10 pound burgers in a sitting?) sometime in the near future and observe you some brand new Cheerleader to tide you over until Scream 4 comes out (probably with no Matthew Lillard).

-G

EDIT: TK writes - I saw Hayden Panettiere (The Cheerleader) at the Roosevelt last night and she was concerned about a friend of hers who seemed to to have eaten too much champagne. The ambulance showed up and took him away, which was annoying because I had to keep walking around it to take all our Top Chef art gear to the cube truck. Also I was into a lot of overtime at that point, so I was really tired and I didn't feel like dealing with it. However when I saw the face of The Cheerleader IRL, my stoic heart melted and the world was a beautiful place again. God damn that ho is fly.

The Cookies Are Here

Not since you raided your Grandma's pantry to cobble together a lemonade stand has such a startling amount of youthful entrepreneurship been observable. The Hitler Youth Organization Girl Scouts are out in force and they're bringing with them delicious boxes of cookies that you absolutely have to buy. I'm not saying its a racket, but shit man I was in The Boy Scouts (until I got kicked out due to an alarming propensity for starting fires) and there was no WAY we could compete with these little strumpets and their boxed cocaine. Shit, I think they had us shilling the same lame bullshit you used to sell at school fundraisers. Catalogs full of gift wrap and summer sausage. Delicious.

Now don't get me wrong, I have lots of friends with daughters who are ALL into figure skating, gymnastics, cheer leading, and girl scouting and any combination of a dozen activities that girls are into and I am in full support of that. Strapping razor sharp blades to little girls foots, training them to do ninja flips, literally throwing small girls high in the air and hoping for the best, and teaching them to light fires (do Girl Scouts even do stuff like that? I remember Boy Scouts was all about playing with knives and setting fires. Dan is an Eagle Scout.).. How could you not be all over that?

What I take umbrage with is the designs on the boxes. Literally all they're missing is a kid in a wheel chair to make these things more mid-90's politically correct than a movie starring Jeremy Piven and David Spade. These kids sell more than 200,000,000 boxes a year and they can't get better clip art? Obviously they spare no expense to educate the girls about internets safety, yet this pyramid scheme no doubt perpetrated by Cookie Monster, of Sesame Street fame is unable to cough up enough dough (did you see what I did there?) to do another photo shoot.

Let's take this first example. This is from the perennial classic Thin Mints. By far my favorite Girl Scout cookie, and some would argue the only one worth mentioning. Fuck the Tagalog cookies, and whatever else they make. They are all the very tip of a horsedick as far as I'm concerned. If you don't agree with me I'll make a wikipedia page about it and then everyone will know its true. What could these gals possibly be doing that is so dangerous they would all have to wear helmets? Shucks, when I was growing up only the biggest of nerds wore helmets when riding their bikes, let alone when wandering about in the woods near rope ladders. I know what you're thinking, "Grant stop making fun of these girls! They're just little girls!" Well If I'm going to be paying $4 a box I don't want to have Donna Downs and Todd Bosley (you know, that geeky kid who was in like 30 movies from the early 90s? He was in Little Giants? You'll recognize him and then laugh when I compare him to the girl(?) climbing the rope ladder after you click the link.) starring at me while I try to enjoy the delicious minty chocolaty goodness.

Now I'm willing to suspend my disbelief for one troop. Sure, maybe that last box of cookies was a troop that had girls from a whole bunch of different neighborhoods. But look at this box of Thank U Berry Munch. What the fuck is this cookie, I don't even. I've literally never heard of it. Obviously the girl on the far left who bears a striking resemblance to Hypno-Toad needs to say "No Thank U Berry Munch" to a few boxes. She's had enough. Fatty. The only thing separating this from a forcefully diverse United Colors of Benetton ad is hipster clothing. I think. Is that what they're selling with this:



What ever that is. I'm still not sure what they even sell at that company. Asian adoption pyramid scheme? Gently used hypodermic needles? Your guess is as good as mine. I took time out of my busy schedule to design a new box for next year, I feel like we're really gonna sell some cookies.



-G

Twofer Tuesday

Hey now chaps and chappesses. You're in for a real teat treat today. If I had to describe this weeks twofer in terms the restaurant industry would find acceptable I would have to call the first one a delicious yet filling meal and the second one an all you can eat buffet (only from Hometown Buffet so its eerily reminiscent of the hot lunches you used to eat in grade school and just as awful).

I fucking love the internets. I fucking love dreadful Bollywood films. Sean and I got his Netflix queue to think we were some kind of Bollywood Maniacs. We got turned on to this awesome series starring a dude named Munna Bhai, I'm not sure if that is his character's name or the actor because I don't speak salami salami bologna. One film has him masquerading as a doctor just to trick his parents into thinking he has a job and he's got like this entire gang of Indian (dot) fellas helping him keep up the charade. Anyway, this is also from India. Apparently in India you can just rip off a trademarked character, have him prance around with some broad dressed up like Spiderman and sing some dreadful Indian muzaq. The actor in this film must be like the Indian Robert Redford. Shit appears serious.

I can't take full credit for this bright and shiny corner of the universe. Technically i read about it on i09 under the title "And now, nine minutes of Japanese Spider-Man posing fiercely". That pretty much says it all. Literally someone cut up the entire Japanese live action Spider-Man show from the '70s into just him posing before doing battle with transvestite Japanese super villains and random baddies that look an awful lot like the puddy patrol from The Power Rangers. Yes, I watched all of it. Yes its 9 minutes of exactly what it says it will be. Yes, I'm comfortable with that.

Drinking Game: Swat

Recently TK and I had the dubious pleasure of attending a white girl's birthday party. Luckily we don't pass judgment or hand out reviews about parties we've attended, but that's neither here nor there. What is important is that TK and I played this brilliant game for the first time, a game of Swat.

Rules:
Step 1 Get a hold of some beer
Step 2 You're gonna need some Red Cups and at least 2 ping pong balls
Step 3 ???

Ok now this is going to seem a bit tricky, but let me try to break it down. First arrange a bunch of cups in a circle on a table. Anywhere from 12 and more is fine. Two start, any two players. You both grab a cup and chug the beer. Put the beer down on the table and bounce the ping pong ball into it. If you make it on the first try you can pass that empty cup along to anyone you want. If you don't make it first try then the empty cup must move down to the person to your left. The swatting and additional drinking comes when you make a cup. You can only swat the cup (smack it off the table, hopefully into someone's face) of the person to the left of you. By swatting the cup they are forced to pound another beer and continue trying to make it into that empty cup. It seems a bit counter intuitive, so lets go to the tale of the tape and do a quick breakdown of a sample game.


Initial setup. Any two players may start, I just happened to pick 2 right next to each other. We can call the rainbow flavored one TK if you guys want.



The two players drink all of the beer in the cups. Drink drink drink. Then set the cups down.


The players try their best, but they're only men and men have to learn to take it. The clearly homosexual circle is great at handling balls (the circle's name is TK) and made it in first try! Oh that's so fancy. Because he made it in he can now swat the blue and probably not gay circle's cup (we can call this one Grant).


Booyakasha whiteboy! Hear me now. This game is best played at someone else's house because as you can well imagine hucking mostly empty cups across your shitty apartment will fuck up your already crappy carpet.


Now this is where the action and adventure starts. After the rainbow fella swats Grant's cup he hands his empty cup it to the guy to the left of the blue guy who is probably really good at sex (Grant). Grant has just finished chugging another beer and is trying to make the ball into his cup. But hold~ the guy to Grant's left makes it in first try! Holy shitdicks that means he can give the cup to whomever he pleases.


The cup is handed back to the overtly homosex circle and he attempts to make it into the cup again, in order to fuck grant over. HOLY SHIT HE MADE IT IN AGAIN OMG GRANT HAS A STUPID FACE


Motherloving ~SWAT~. Oleoloeloleoleoleole. Get out the vuvuzelas because this shit is starting to get annoying! Grant sucks and has to grab another cup since his shit got swatted.


In the interest of science we'll continue with just a bit more example. The cup is again handed over to the guy to the left of poor Grant, who is still trying desperately to get his ball into the cup. The guy to the left of Grant does not make it on the first try, but he does on the 3rd. His empty cup and ball are now handed down to the person to his immediate left.


So now this hitherto unmentioned circle at the top right of the radio dial gets his shot at the big leagues.

So that's a basic rundown of how the game works. Just remember that you can only swat the cup to your left and you can only place it anywhere on the field of play if you make it first try. If you don't make the cup first try, the cup and ball move to the person to your left. If there's a dude or bro to your left already fucking with a cup then skip him. The game ends when you're out of beer, and by ends I mean you need to refill it and keep playing. I'm not sure if there is a clear winner, but if you force one guy to drink like 9 cups then he's almost an hero.

If you have any questions feel free to comment, and there's a good chance we wont answer. Fat props to the white girl that taught us this game. Since I can't remember her name I won't give her any credit.

-G



UPDATE, GRANT WRITES:
I think the girl's name is Valerie or Vickie or Veronica or something. TK had sex with her.

Twofer Tuesday

No, there is not a pattern forming here. Yes I am just happening upon compilations of overused phrases in films. Yea I guess it feels pretty good. The only problem is trying to write a few introductory sentences about the same topic again and again and again. I suppose I could just ramble on until it looks like theres enough words. I'm pretty excited about these vidyas, I think you will be too. I showed it to my man here, he liked it. (Cornflower Blue)

There really isn't a more eloquent way to inform someone else of an impending explosion. Short of the phrase "Dude, no seriously there is a bomb." Never was a more concise nor precise sentence spoken. Literally it tells you exactly what is going to happen, and what it is going to happen to. Its no cellar door, but it has a certain kind of appeal in its own right.

This feel good romp through cinema history uses the most colorful expression in the English language.

"You look like shit."

Its got a nice ring to it. It allows you to essentially insult someone, but through its proliferation in American movie script dialog it has some how become acceptable. That gets me thinking, maybe we should start saying "I fucked your dad twice.". If we say it enough people won't care and it'll become just another shining gem in the English lexicon of borderline inappropriate phrases. Feels pretty good man.

EDIT: Also what the shit I wrote this in google chrome and it truncated the doublespaces between sentences down to one...

-G