Wednesday, December 21, 2011

You'll Turn 360° and Walk Away

I was so enthused after I re-read the incredible twofer I wrote a week ago that I decided we're doing Skyrim again. S'more. Only with 78% less "Arrow to the knee" jokes than the rest of the internet.

I present to you the top 5 things I hate about Skyrim:

  • After I logged around 150 game hours whenever I open up the directional menu with (B) it can take a variable amount of time for the down or left button (both on the d-pad and the analog stick) to actually function. Long enough to make me highly irritable (See picture at right). The same thing happens when I open up inventory menus whether it be looting bodies, chests, or my own sordid furniture in my house.

  • When placing loot in furniture that I own inside my house in Whiterun there is considerable lag when depositing individual items. Is this due to the large volume of stuff inside of a burlap sack under my bed or the cupboard by my door? Possibly, but why in this day and age when we have decades of computer science research into data structures can a company that makes GIANT games not have found a way to quickly and easily store data? I can only imagine that there are gremlins inside of my Xbox slowing down the spindle that turns my disc like some kind of burgeoning DJ who is attempting to scratch one of those doublesteppe records the kids like so much. I can't just throw everything I steal off the backs of the poor citizens into the moat, that would be just silly.

  • That feeling when I'm pretty sure I have "Whirlwind Sprint" equipped and I accidentally Fus Ro Dah an entire village square. The same kind of crestfallen feeling when you accidentally steal something in the alchemy shop that is frowned upon, when the proprietor seems totally cool with you stealing anything worth less than 100 Septim.

  • Why can't I climb more shit? I'm a climber. I want to climb to the very top of everything I can find, and by Talos I'll do it! I once got a job at the now defunct (thank's EA) Pandemic Studios because I shared my love of climbing with the gal who interviewed me.

    "Tell me about how you play games, Grant," she said.

    "I climb. In Crash Bandicoot I would always try to run to the very edge of the on-rails style levels and jump onto something that just got me stuck in mid air. WWF: Smackdown: Here Comes the Pain I would construct ludicrous tottering towers built with tables upon tables upon ladders upon spanish announcer tables. I only cared about one thing when a new Smack Down came out: how many tables can I screw around with? My all time favorite game is Shadows of the Colossus, a game about if nothing else climbing." I shared.

    "You are perfect, we are going to hire you! Here, go play Saboteur and write some Bug Reports." the gal offered.

    And then EA shut down the company and I no longer had a job.


  • But I really do like Skyrim and I have logged almost 200 in game hours. I'll keep playing til there's new Modern Warfare 3 content or I get fed up with finding cabbage inside of sacks laying on the floor of a dungeon that no one has set foot inside of for hundreds of years.



    1. Just use Dragonrend shout to make it land, Gront.

    2. Dude every now and then that doesn't work and instead the fuckwad will fly like over a mountain to land like a kittencat in front of a troll. Also wtf my shit is bugged and I cant get War Hero achievement QQ