Monday, April 30, 2012

Crafty: The Webseries about Great Local Beer

Hello and welcome to HotDamnTV's latest project: Crafty 
(fullscreen 1080 for best results)

Here at HotDamnTV, we love to drink craft beer constantly because it feels good. Each week we'll take you to a brewpub, microbrewery, or beer festival and learn more about what makes craft beer the greatest thing in the known universe. Millions of Americans are suffering from the plague that is macrobrewed light beer, and our goal with Crafty is to raise awareness about high-quality craft beer.

Previous episodes:
(Season 1)
ep. 101 - Stone Brewing Co.
ep. 102 - Ballast Point Brewing Co.
ep. 103 - Ladyface Ale Companie
ep. 104 - The LAB Brewing Co.
ep. 105 - Mother Earth Brew Co.
ep. 106 - LA Beerfest
(Season 2)
ep. 201 - The Bruery
ep. 202 - Ironfire Brewing Co.
ep. 203 - Homebrewing
ep. 204 - Coronado (pt. 1)
ep. 205 - Coronado (pt. 2)
ep. 206 - Acoustic Ales Brewing Experiment
ep. 207 - Hangar 24


We hope you'll join us in spreading the word for this important cause. New episodes will be posted  on, and on our Youtube channel, so be sure to tune in to the internets near you and enjoy it. If not, you're probably drinking malt liquor out of a plastic cup and your face is stupid. Stay tuned! Crafty has new episodes every Friday through Dec 20th.

Monday, March 19, 2012

One time I ate 50.

I'm not a super human. I'm just a man. I put my pants on in the mornings just like all of you do: I tie one side to the door with Red Vine licorice and the other end is held by Golden Globe winner Peter Dinklage, and then I jump into them from atop a stack of Korean phone books (from Special Self-Governing Province (特別自治道 특별자치도 teukbyeoljachi-do)). I decided that the time has come to put my body on the line, to truly test the limits of human endurance. I am going to eat 50 McDonald's chicken McNuggets.

I know what you're thinking, 50? Really? Those are probably meant for like 2 or 3 people, or maybe a few meals. That's the kind of thinking that caused Soviet Russia to lose the space race (like a whole bunch of commie bitches). I'm as American as apple pie, I know that Mr. Ray A Kroc would never wish to do me harm. If he hadn't intended one person to eat 50 of those fried hunks of mana he wouldn't have put it on the menu.

Preamble: I order the 50 McNuggies from some twenty-something who clearly is disappointed with his lifechoices. I inquired after the perfect blend of spice and flavor and he recommended the "Hot" mustard. I accepted and then his McTraining kicked in and he tried to offer me a soda and fries, to which I replied "Dude, I'm eating 50 McNuggies." "Oh, ok yea that should be enough," he responded. I have to wait a few minutes for all of the humble McWorkers to build a heap of chicken gristle.

McNugget 1: By the gods, this has to be the hottest and freshest McNomnom I've ever had. Perhaps even too hot.

McNugget 2: I crack open the "Hot" mustard. Not spicy. Not dijon. "Hot" mustard. The flavor is smooth and it mixes with the MSG and seaweed filler paste in my nuggies to make a happy feeling in my mouth. This was a good decision.

McNugget 10: One box down. Easy peasy lemon squeezy. This thing is in the bag. I move on, still with a full head of steam. The nuggies are hot and still moist, they slide down easy.

McNugget 17/18: WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS. Some kind of hideously malformed giganugget has met my grasping hand. Two nuggets joined together like those two broads that have all the freaky Siamese twin specials on Dateline and stuff. Fun Fact: Those girls were offered a hefty sum by the goons over at to make a sexy tape. They came up with a total of $42.15 and the girls declined.

McNugget 20: Normally a stopping point, but not today. Slowing down a bit, but I'm not one to be bested by a lump of polyhydrogenated surimi paste with chicken bits.

McNugget 30: Phew. Losing steam here. Feeling strong though, powerful like Michael Dudikoff from American Ninja. I am out of "hot" mustard, so I have moved on to the Buttermilk "ranch". A potent oil based lubricant, all the better to slide those nuggers on home.

McNugget 33: Still driving and enjoying my 50 slices of Americana. The headlights going the opposite way on the highway sting my eyes. Is that sting pride... Fucking with me?

McNugget 40: I arrive at my apartment and pull into my parking garage. It seems even shittier than I remember and all of the graffiti in the elevator greets me like an old friend. I'm pretty glad for the respite. I heft the bag full of the final ten tenders and more napkins than that drive thru gives to a dozen customers. It feels like regret, ponderous like a middle aged overweight black lady's breasts. I reach the safety of my apartment and my stomach feels strange. I eat.

McNugget 42: These nuggies have grown cooler and the texture now resembles that of an ice hockey rink that has not bee zambonied in a month (rough). You know when you eat like 2 reef pipes and then smoke 6 bowls of Captain Crunch and your mouth gets a serious sandpapering? That is the joy that I am now experiencing. Except I don't smoke the reefer. I am stone cold sober and eating a gross metric ton of Chicken McNomgets.

McNugget 45: I get up and walk around a bit. I feel like a pregnant woman trying to hasten her delivery. There is a food babby growing within me. It is not friendly.

McNugget 50: Like Lance Armstrong with twice as many balls! Like Rocky but with fewer swollen eyeballs. I am pretty fucking terrific.

To recap, this is what I did this to myself:
  • 145 Grams of Fat
  • 25 Grams of Saturated Fat
  • 120 Grams of Protein
  • 35 Grams of Cholesterol
  • 5,025 Mg of Salt
  • 1 Gram of Riboflavin
The question is, are you a bad enough dude to try it yourself?


Sunday, February 5, 2012

Second Fiddle

Being the violinist in Elton John's band must suck. Does anyone know his name (Jean-Luc Ponty, keep calm and carry on I wiki'd it)? Not even the fanciest E.J. fanboy (lol did you know he changed his middle name to Hercules?) can claim to know who the fuck he is, let alone pick him out on the streets. Being the fiddler in a band must be pretty fresh but also a lot like being the kicker on the football team. The show could not go on without him, but no one would be that angry if he died of cholera. We are here today to remember that unsung hero, the guy (or chick) that rocks that fiddle as HARD as fucking possible. Here are the top 5 baddest fiddle players alive today (in no particular order):

The Guy From Yellowcard

I vividly recall when this video came out and being entranced by the fucking guy with the fiddle. He was rocking out WAY too hard considering the type of instrument he was using. I was confused and a little bit frightened. But then I realized that he was rocking easily three times as hard as the rest of the lame fucks in this band! He knows that he is playing the fiddle in a rock ensemble and that he'll never be in Maroon 5 but he doesn't care. Own it faux-hawk fiddle guy!

The Guy from Turisas

These guys are from Finland. I know because they said that before they opened up for Dragonforce. They rock hard as shit, as a matter of fact not only do they have an electric violin but they have a fine chick playing an accordion! These dudes are some bad ass vikings who wear war paint and just fuck shit up. I want to be everyone in this band when I grow up.

The Chick from Kung Fu Vampire

I actually know this girl's name (Razz) she is a friend of the HotDamns. Dig it, here is a picture of me 'n TK with her:

Kung Fu Vampire has got more people in it than Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band. Real talk. When they have enough room to fit them all on stage there is a cellist, the head vampire himself, an opera singer, a drummer, a bass player, and Razz (one of the dopest fiddlers to ever rock a bow), and like seven other people. KFV's fiddler is certifiably badass. She rocks in a very mellow style while adding a spooky victorian era horror vibe to the entire proceedings.

Some broad from Dixie Chicks (She might not even be in the band, I don't know.)

I guess there is a chick playing fiddle near these girls. There will be no video. These guys suck.

NOTE: Is there a difference between a violin and a fiddle? Can the terms be used interchangeably? The world may never know.

The Flute Guy From Jethro Tull

Ok, I know there isn't a violin player in this outfit but you have to respect a guy who rocks with a flute. I'm not even sure the words rock and flute had been used in conjunction prior to this guy. Seriously, that thing up there is more than 7 minutes of flute badassery. I wish I could play the flute like this guy. He's almost as good as Ron Burgundy (another San Diego native).


Saturday, January 7, 2012

Drinking Game: Disney's S-Word In The Stone

If I was hard pressed to give you my all time favorite Disney movie from when I was a kid The S-word In The Stone is easily in my top three. So many things about this movie are about as epic as you would think. The one voice actor with the really really deep voice, Merlin constantly getting his beard stuck in some shit, Arthurian legend, saucy sugar boys! Shucks, when my pops would get out the old Betamax tape and offer to show us boys this movie we would cheer harder than the N64 kid on Christmas morning. So now that we're all grow'd up we're gonna drink some beer and watch this flick again.

Step 1: Get a hold of Disney's S-word In The Stone
Step 2: ???

Drink Whenever the following is said or heard:
Magnificent Marvelous Mad Madam Mim (three)
Any derivation of Madam Mim including just Mim (once)
Merlin says "Hang it All" "Dash it all" or "Leave off"
Woah what woah! (twice)

Drink Whenever the Following is seen:
The Wart looks high as hell
Wolf gets fucked over
Characters drink
Characters spill drink, be it tea or wine while toasting etc (twice)
The sugar boy is a git
The Wart is hit on the head
Merlin's Beard is a comedic element, gets caught on something, used as a broom, etc

Throughout the film The Wart is issued demerits by his liege-lord. He has to spend time mucking and/or alternately demucking about in the kitchen for each demerit. Since you are more interested in drinking until you think you're a real squirrel boy you have to drink once for every demerit The Wart gets.

(4) Demerits for hanging about in the woods with a creepy old man
(3) Demerits for being late
(3) Demerits for a fish story
(3) Demerits for mouthing off
(10) Demerits for popping off (serious business)

Finish Your Drink When:
Notice The Wart has no pants on (coloring error near beginning keep those eyes open!)
The Wart pulls the s-word from the stone (both times)

Waterfall whenever Merlin casts a spell. Note: the songs count. Yea. NIGHTMARE MODE.

Final Thoughts:

GRANT: This is some great stuff. I think the pacing is good, and after taking a second look through I did a bit of tweaking and adding double drinks etc. When I'm not drinking while I'm building a game I keep a tally of how many times each incident comes up and that is what I base the bulk of the final game on. There are so many tally marks by "boy" that it ran clear into another column and is crowding the notes about demerits. The film is a timeless classic, and to this day my brother and I still shout that one or the other is Pelenor (dash it all {from London}) and decry our news to be very big.

BRANDY "B-TANS" TANNAHILL: No more trying drinking games with wine. It's just a bad idea. HUURRKKKK... This all started out with me just drinking on "Wart" and "Boy", but real talk, there's lots of boys in this movie (sexykinda). About halfway through it got as intense as a double rainbow. In the unlikely event that you don't have the time to dedicate to watching this cinematic masterpiece all the way through you should queue it up to when birdie Wart meets the evil she-wizard - then do shots every time you hear "mad, madam, or Mimm". It's like playing Monopoly Jr... it takes less time and gets you just as trashed.

Bonus: When I went to Disneyland as a wee lad I was coerced by a strange fellow dressed as a wizard to try to pull the sword from the stone. I did it (like a boss) and was rewarded with a photograph and a certificate and suchlike. My parents probably still have this. King of England, bitches.


P.S. BONUS: Here is B-Tans trying to pull the sword from the stone, but she can't cuz she's a girl and only boys get to be the King of ALL England. God wills it.