Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Twofer Tuesday

Here at HotDamnTV we love the gays. They're just so fancy and they put up with us breeders doing our hetero thing all the time, so we salute them. Despite what some sources may claim, only Chris Madero is actually a homosex; no one else associated with HotDamnTV is actually putting from the rough. But what if we take a moment to think about what it would be like if we were gay? Sean would have to take more showers and I guess TK would get all the boys because he's the prettiest. Tim Romo has an excellent farmer's tan, even in the dead of winter. Alex is so fit I guess none of it really matters. Dan would still be our webmaster, only the website would probably look like this all the time. Aaron would probably have to grow his beardly beard back. Juliet would kiss girls and that shit would be sexy as hell.

Now if I was gay I wouldn't just put product in my hair or wear more Diesel clothing than a upper middle class mexican kid in high school, I'd do it all the way. This song accurately describes just how gay I'd have to be to be as gay as possible. I watched this song 6 times in a row. One time I wrote 6 blogs in a row. TK is also a fan of stacking them up like bricks.

One might wonder how to become gay? Simply sucking 6 dicks is not the way to do it dudes, you would simply have to call "no homo!" to render any amount of homosexuality null and void. The ancient Greeks and Romans used to call no homo all the time, its not a big deal. The only sure way that I can think of to become one of the gays is to watch this video. After you sit through all 2:20 of this moderately catchy song then you can meet me at the ice cream truck, cuz we will both have successfully caught the gay.


Saturday, December 25, 2010

Drinking Game: Thunderstruck

Step 1: Cue up "Thunderstruck" from AC/DC's 1990 album: The Razors Edge
Step 2: Get at least a 30 rack of beer and gather all of your mates in a circle
Step 3: ???


This game is about as simple as it gets. The idea is to circle the wagons like the Duke woulda done, and then waterfall and stop when "Thunder" or "Thunderstruck" is said in the song. Everyone cracks open a beer, and you press play. The first person starts drinking when "thunder" is heard in the first few seconds, and he/she can't stop until the next time "thunder" or "thunderstruck" is heard (at which point the next person starts drinking). This cycle continues clockwise until the song is over. The best part about this is the wide variety of length in betwixt the thunder strikes. I played this at a party one time and was lucky enough to have to chug like 2.5 beers in between meteorological events. Brutals.


BONUS: Merry Xmas you hideous creatures!

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Drinking Game: Home Alone

TK writes:
Being the brown skinned, black haired fellow that I am, I do not celebrate Christmas. I belong to a faith that celebrates a holiday called Festivus, popularized by the TV show Seinfeld. As you may know, Festivus begins with the airing of grievances, so to air a grievance click here.
For those of you fair-skinned individuals with Judeo-Christian values, we made a drinking game based on the classic Christmas film: "Home Alone", starring Kieran Culkin as Fuller McCallister, and Macaulay Culkin as Kevin McCallister. Because the only way to tolerate Christmas is with ethyl-alcohol inside of your bloodstream. (Also this movie is 20 years old now. Can you believe it? I mean I remember watching it when I was a kid! God I feel old. Let's talk about something else.)

Step 1: Pirate, I mean download, I mean go to Blockbuster and rent a DVD VHS of Home Alone.
Step 2: Make at least one gallon of eggnog.
Step 3: ???

Drink when the following are said/heard:
-Macaulay Culkin (Kevin) screams (drink twice if he's putting aftershave on his face)
-Joe Pesci's (Harry's) gold tooth sparkles (drink twice if John Heard [Kevin's dad] is holding it when it sparkles)
-Macaulay Culkin breaks the 4th wall
-anytime a tarantula is in frame
-Macaulay Culkin says "I don't think so"
-Someone knocks over the statue in the McCallister's front yard
-any reference is made to Kieran Culkin's (Fuller's) bedwetting
-someone is running through an airport
-anytime an American Airlines employee is way more polite and/or good looking than they would be in real life
-"Keep the change, you filthy animal" is said
-Macaulay Culkin talks out loud to show his inner monologue even though he's by himself
-John Candy (Gus) says the word "polka"
-anytime Judeo-Christian values/undertones are apparent
-Joe Pesci talks angry like he's cursing but he isn't actually cursing
-Daniel Stern (Marv) or Joe Pesci get injured by Macaulay Culkin, his booby traps, or an old dude with a shovel

Finish your eggnog:
-Daniel Stern screams his dick off because there's a spider on his face
-Daniel Stern says "shit" even though the movie is PG

Final thoughts:
TK: The only way to keep the pace going in this one was to have a lot of rules. It's a little slow at the beginning, but once the Wet Bandits are in the house shit gets serious.
Vicki: I think it's good because most people have seen it enough to anticipate the parts where you have to drink. But maybe there should be a beginner and advanced version.

Well that's all for now. I'm not going to lie, I probably won't put a new sketch up until after the new year because I'm very lazy. I'll leave you with this amazing video clip (fun fact: this isn't from an actual movie, but was shot exclusively for Home Alone).

Twofer Tuesday

The Doomsday Clock is counting down fellas. That great fat red gift bearing / b&e loving bastard Sandy Claws is coming. Now I know what you're thinking little lady. You're thinking,
"Golly Nightmare Before Christmas is about as alternative as it gets! Why don't you write a blog about that? Cuz i'm an individual because I bought fingerless gloves from Hot Topic with Sally and Jack on them. Oh golly I'm so different."

Well knock that shit off lady. You're not special pretending to be a diet-goth cuz you like another Tim Burton jackoff festival captured on celluloid. Don't get me wrong though, there's nothing wrong with Nightmare I saw it in theatres when I was a kid and its a pretty gosh darned film. Where were we..? Oh yea Xmas. Did you know Xmas is just as respeckful to Jesus as calling it Christmas cuz X is the letter Chi in greek and that's the first letter of Jesus' name in greased language? Neat.

This week we're going to be focusing our attention on The Star Wars Xmas Special. It was released sometime in 1978 when apparently the budget for walking carpets (I would imagine Leia calling Chewie a walking carpet would be pretty racist in context, like calling a black person.. never mind) was a bit lacking so they just dyed a bunch of Klan robes red and paid good money for movie quality Chewie masks for the extras. Now don't get me wrong, I love Star Wars as much as the next guy who doesn't have much sex with the ladies, but we can all agree that this lurching abomination is probably the worst thing to come from the Star Wars franchise since Episode II. Side note: The best thing to come from Star Wars was this. You can find the entire Xmas special here, this is just a slice of the glory. So good.

I know this is only moderately Xmassy. Well its not at all, but we're still talking about Star Trek Star Wars so fuck you its funny. This is not the original vidya I've seen of this concept but the idea is solid gold. Take Darth Vader clips from other movies and play them on Star Wars film. Beautiful. My other plot was to put up the He-Man and She-Ra Xmas Special but it is like 45 minutes long and I know you sexy children all have ADD/ADHD so you can't sit still for that long. Its nothing but a bunch of anti-Skeletor christian propaganda anyway. Youtub it if you want, I don't care.

That's all for this week pre-teens and tweens. Tune in next week for what will definitely be the gayest Twofer I've ever posted.


Friday, December 17, 2010

An Attempt to Derive... Humor

Yes, it is true. At long last after 4 years, 3 different text books, 8 different professors, and Raptor Jesus only knows how many dollars in tuition I've done it. I have passed calculus. With a C. You may recall dear reader, that last time I took it (#9) there was all manner of cash and prizes on the table. This time since just about everyone has lost faith in my ability to pass calculus the only big money cash prizes available are as follows:

  • Dan's mommy is going to build me a cake

For more information see screen shot at the top.

  • 1 Beer with (fake)Uncle Ronnie.

Uncle Ronnie doesn't drink. At all. So this is a big deal (first time in the history of HotDamnTV that something was actually a big deal). I plan on pearl harboring him with one of those $100.00 5 liter Stone Brewery beers they sell. Fuck yea.

  • 1 Keg from Dan Beam

My brother and I used to have a kegerator. We found an epic deal on craigslist and went halves on it. Then he moved out like a legit member of the homosexual community and took the kegerator with him. But he left his refridgerator so I bought a kegerator kit and I've been waiting until I'm done with calculus to rip his fridge apart. Take that fatboy.

My face when I finally passed Calculus:


Bonus: Now I have to take Calculus 2. : 3

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Twofer Tuesday

Tis the season droogs. Serious things are afoot, climate change might be happening, I think North Korea is trying to start some shit, and that bad bad motherfucker they call Sandy Claws is preparing to scuttle about in the dark and chop the toes off your footsies if they're hanging over the edge of that bed. And believe you me sister, ain't a damn thing gonna stop that B&E+Home Invasion/rape. The one thing that can slow Sandy Claws down (not stop mind you, he's more unflappable than the golly darned boogie man in this respect) is Christmas Carols, or strange christmassy related music from the internets!

Holy shit. This vidya is incredible. Move over Rihanna (who would've thought you'd get more hits after umbrella? Chris Brown, that's who. El oh el striking women) and/or Feminem there are some new kids in the cul de sac. This video is primarily about a bunch of god damned furries who have been waiting to yiff specifically when Frosty the Snowman may be lurking in the fields (with a battle axe). This video has all of the classiest elements of video editing: overuse of obvious greenscreening, gradients, ~LENSFLARES OUT OF FUCKING NOWHERE~, and more stock/tutorial video editing effects than an intro to After Effects class. Also get a load of that red furry's horseface. Wasn't this broad on Sex In The City? If you don't think they're legit, ask they're heroin dealer/pimp Cowboy Craig (on right) aka the creepiest dude in the kiddy programming game since Captain Kangaroo (just kidding big guy, we love ya).

This is quite possibly the most touching song about shoes since Nelly dropped that club banger "Air Force Ones" ft. About Twenty Other Afro-American Fellas. That was my jam. I'm not sure what the Negro of the Opera is doing in this video (see right), but maybe Spike Jonez is preparing to remake that classic musical into some kind of joint. That's what he does. Have we talked about how great Lil Bow Wow's movie about winning the lottery is? I've got a subscription to Jet Magazine. My next door neighbor is black and my room mate is half black so I'm well qualified to talk about these topics. Where were we again? Oh yea, the shoes. I'll take two purrs of the urr furce ones. The only question I had after watching the video was: what was up with all those fellas standing around in the background behind the singer? If they were the band they had a serious instrument shortage. If they were backup dancers then they must charge by the move, since they did not shake a single tail feather. Full on double X-mas, all the way across the internets.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Twofer Tuesday

As none of you may know we here at HotDamnTV pride ourselves on having a crack team of in house failed actors. Your intrepid blogwriter and sommelier extraordinaire, Grant Paulis chief among them. My formal acting training consists of taking Intro To Drama in my senior year of high school (Go TITANS '03 Seniors rule!). The two things I learned in that class were: never pay for auditions and always have a comedic and dramatic monologue prepared for any audition. The following is a sampling of the monologues I have prepared should the need arise to fail an audition in person.

Mr. Show is some really top notch stuff. I'm sure if all of the actors weren't so hideous they'd be getting more roles than Jonah Hill (Did you see what I did there? He's a bit hefty so he's got fat rolls. He's also been in quite a few hit movies recently. Ask your mother about getting roles, they should call that ho a bakery on account of all the rolls she's got.).

I always try to do something with the thought in mind, "Would I find this funny if I was watching it?". Doing a monologue just running around a casting director's office shouting at people would make my day. This would be almost as much fun to do as "The Audition". Its not easy being a failed actor, but at least I dont work at a gas station.


Friday, December 3, 2010

Drinking Game: Unforgiven

I feel like our readers may have forgotten the face of their father, this movie will definitely help remedy that. Get ready for some gunslinging action at its finest, with one of the highest average aged casts this side of RED (Which sucked btw) Unnn...forgivennnn! Pay attention this one can get fun! Also NIGHTMARE MODE: USE WHISKEY AND PLAY LIKE A MAN DAMMIT! Normal mode difficulty: 4 Chipped Typhoon glasses out of 5 (Send em back you'll get a free drink)

Step 1: Remember the face of your father
Step 2: Obtain Unforgiven (BLU Ray)
Step 3: ???

Drink when the following are said/heard:
I guess so
A Nickname is used
Claudia or wife is said
The lords name is taken in vain

Drink when the following are seen:
Clint Eastwood falls over/falls down stairs
A gun is fired or cocked
Every time a train goes by(sound counts as well)
Someone removes their hat
Morgan Freeman offers Clint Eastwood a drink
Claudia(wife) is covered in worms

Finish your beer:
Pigfucking is mentioned
Gene Hackman beats the shit out of Dumbledore
A black falls out a window

Final Thoughts:
Grant: Clint Eastwood is the only man bad enough to do a drive-by in a train. After crashing it into your motherfucking place of business.


Wednesday, December 1, 2010


Hey there buds. On my quest to become the most best worst not never do the least failed actor of all time ever I was in Hollywood last night for an audition for a Jack in the Box commercial.

Before I could go to the audition my boss (Laura Hubbard) who is the closest thing I have to an agent at the moment (I'm looking at you E.) insisted that I get the grade from my latest calculus test. She put it all on the line (I need to discipline my body) and said that if I didn't pass then I couldn't go! The following is a transcript of the email correspondences with my professor.

When I got there I hung out for a bit and then was asked to read for several different parts, not just the one I got a call for. I read for and it went pretty well. I showcased my incredible talent (I can raise both eyebrows independently) and I even put my improv skills to the test by using acting to make Jack, of Jack in the Box fame feel bad for eating the last 100% sirloin pepperjack whateverthehell burger. I improved like a groundling, NOT A BIG DEAL people. Then I rounded out the interview by handing the casting directors and anyone else I met a shark. : 3 We'll see how well that goes. Cross some fingers and break some legs guys, HotDamnTV needs more famous.


BONUS: Holy fuck don't move. First thing you gotta fucking do is DO NOT MOVE. Our amigos over at www.toonhole.com have debuted some BRAND NEW SHIT so fresh it'll make your mama's garden full of tomatoes look like its some busted old shit out of a can (ask your mom about the time I tilled her field) make sure to head over to their interbutts and/or observe the shit outa this new short: