Monday, August 31, 2009
we worked on some filming for the new hotdamn twilight/new moon related video
in it you will learn:
Why is kristen stewart’s voice so low?
Why edward cullen really left bella
Why that black vampire really wanted to eat bella
Who shot first, Han or Greedo?
everyone remembers the alleged rape of a stripper by the duke lacross team a few years ago (duke lacross would be a great porn name by the way)
well were all about breaking news on the hotdamntv blog so here is the latest on another rape at duke university, this time involving the soccer team:
That’s right, kids. The famous HotDamnTV 77 Racer (Brad’s Garage, Beer Pong FAIL, Nominal Racer, and many more) may get blown up on national TV if we’re lucky. I entered it in the “Conan, Please Blow Up My Car” contest for the Tonight Show. Basically, Conan is looking for the worst car in America, and when he finds it he’s going to blow it up with explosives on the Tonight Show, and then give the owner a brand new Lexus! Here is my entry:
I regret not voting for obama, but not for the reasons you would think.
I realise now if i had, i could make any racist joke i wanted.
Then, if anyone called me a racist i could just say “hey, i voted for obama!”
too bad i didnt think of this before the election. (Maybe in 3 years)
Here is another epic story from Comic Con that most of you probably haven’t heard: How I crashed Megan Fox’s premiere party for Jennifer’s Body (written by Diablo Cody).
So on Thursday, me and Matt Holland (the guy who gave me his extra Comic Con badge) went to the Kickass panel (Kickass is an upcoming Mark Millar movie starring Nicholas Cage and Christopher Mintz-Plasse, it looks AMAZING). Matt got up to the mic to ask Millar to have a beer with him, and Millar said he would probably grab a beer at the Hyatt before he went back to Scotland or whatever.
With this in mind, Matt and I went to the Hyatt that night in an attempt to do some kind of legitimate Hollywood networking. We looked at both of the downstairs bars at the Hyatt but alas, no Mark Millar. We were about to leave when we saw a sign that said KIN Nightclub - 3rd floor. We thought “Mark Millar is Hollywood elite, he must be at this nightclub.” So up we went.
When we got upstairs, we were disappointed to find out that there were over 9000 security guards. We tried to tell one of them that we were there to see Mark Millar, and the guard was about to blow us off, but then he saw my Sony HVR-Z1U. He assumed we were press, and pushed us through to the girl with the VIP list. I read a name off the list when she wasn’t looking, and she gave us two beautiful Myspace wristbands, ensuring anyone skeptical that we did in fact belong there.
As we were walking, we passed this red carpet and saw every celebrity ever. XOMG STAN LEE
Then we went to the bar and this happened:
And then I woke up and experienced most of Friday’s Comic Con still wasted from Megan Fox’s party. I was definitely still drunk when I asked her to be in a sex tape with me. Personally I would have much rather just had a beer with Mark Millar, because he’s over 9000 times cooler than Megan Fox.
“A guy gets halfway through asking Megan Fox a question about sex tapes before getting kicked out.”
- Katey Rich, cinemablend.com
“In customary Hall H fashion, things quickly got sleazy and weird, with various men proceeding to propisition Fox. One guy with a shoulder-mounted camera asks Fox to star in a sex tape with him…”
- Nick de Semlyen, empireonline.com
“An audience member asks Fox if she’d be interested in a celebrity sex tape, and the audience boos him down. Brolin says, “I’d love to see what that guy looks like in 30 minutes.”
- Michael Buckner, spike.com
“Some moron asked Megan Fox if she’d be interested in helping him kick-off his film career by filming a sex tape. He was pulled away immediately.”
- Vic Holtreman, screenrant.com
Yeah that was me. (finally we’re getting some press) :D
List of Celebrities who pretend-hate us:
Aaron Ryder, John Landis, Edgar Wright, Russell Carpenter, Dewaldt Hicks, Mega64, and derrickcomedy.
List of Celebrities who actually hate us:
Megan Fox, Josh Brolin, and Ben Savage.
I’m so hungry. I was thinking about getting some McNuggets, but then I realized that they’re made out of gluten filler and AIDS. Also, I have Dinos in the freezer so if I’m going to eat processed chicken bits, they might as well be shaped like dinosaurs. FUCK YES
Here are the lunch options I’m considering:
- Cock-flavored soup
- Dinos FUCK YES
- Dinosaur steak (not to be confused with Dinos, this is actual Tyrannosaur meat. rawr.)
- 55 caps and stems of Psilocybe cubensis mushrooms, and one fluid ounce of LSD to wash it down
- My 4-week-old nephew (sauteed)
- Three crack rocks and a peanut
- Soup-flavored cock
- The Twitter bird
- or a Hertz Donut
So our friend Juliet met Ben Savage at a club and he wanted to have sex with her. He managed to obtain her telephone digits by bragging about how many women he had had sex with in that particular nightclub. She didn’t know who he was and kept telling him that he sucked in Indiana Jones 4. He tried to explain that he wasn’t Shia LeBouf, and she replied: “Whatever, I wouldn’t admit it either, that movie sucks.” He would text her occasionally to invite her to parties, Vegas, etc.
Then one time we were all really drunk and she was passed out, so we took her phone and texted him: “I’m watching Boy Meets World and touching myself”. He never texted her again. Then Chris decided to forward Ben’s phone number to all of his friends and told them to call him and say how cool HotDamnTV is.
Chris still calls him occasionally.
We know how much you all love cat pong, so we’re looking into some other cat sports. Is this win?
Also, HotDamnTV is a front for the mob. In reality, we are professional hitmen who killed Billy Mays, Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcet, Ed McMahon, David Carradine, Karl Malden, and Steve McNair. We had to kill them because they were all witnesses in the harassment trial Ben Savage brought against HotDamnTV. (more on that later) <3
Name: Suckamyhalfblackcock Email: firstname.lastname@example.org
Subject: Oreo Jizz on your FACE Message: You should
find some skeezy beezys to come for a ride on my mixed
color dip stick
Name: you FUCKER Email: www.dross.com/contact Subject: fuck
YOUR SPAM in MY INBOXMessage: I WONT WATCH YOUR CRAP. DONT SPAM MY WEBSITE
YOU FUCKZ... I GOT NO FRIENDS. NOW FUCK OFF AND LEAVE
MY SHIT ALONE OR CUT ME A FUCKING CHECK... NBC
UNIVERSAL? YOURE DUMB.Name: Your Secret Admirer Email: email@example.com
Subject: Photo Request Message: I just wondered if I
could request a collection of pictures of TK. In the
It’s a crossover. I smell an Emmy.
Srsly tho, NBC fall lineup is gonna be sweet. (My personal vote is for Community, because Yvette Nicole Brown is in it, and we're essentially bffs.)
In closing, Tim Romo.
This picture made me laugh because this kid is on a soccer field kicking a ball, but it's a basketball.
Disclaimer: The President of HotDamnTV spent nearly 10 years in special education, so we’re allowed to make fun of retards. Kind of like how black comedians are allowed to say the n-word.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
9. Rape jokes. Not okay.
8. Some of those actors are on pot.
7. The president of the company is Italian.
6. Not enough Grant.
5. More rape jokes.
4. There's too many snipers in this vi-
3. Not good enough for Conan O'Brien.
2. Not good enough for John Landis.
And the number 1 reason why HotDamnTV sucks:
“The training, even though it includes actual operation of the facilities of the employer, is similar to that which would be given in a vocational school… The employer that provides the training derives no immediate advantage from the activities of the trainees and on occasion the employer’s operations may actually be impeded”
- U.S. Department of Labor
Basically, the employer is not allowed to benefit from the intern, they have to treat you like a student and actually try to teach you shit. Really? What company has time to do this? Does ANYONE treat interns as anything other than free labor? NBC sure didn't :D
pic related, it's Obama at a Dept. of Labor press conference.
Last night, there was an epic car chase all over my city. Juicy gossip: it’s Chris Brown, and he’s depressed, and he beat his wife or something! Cool! I left work at about 11:15 to find 1000 copters, police, and paparazzi all over the god damn place. I was like XOMG wat celebrity @_@ So I called my friend Grant to tell him how exciting my life is. Today he sent me this comic showing how cool it was on his end!
i don’t wanna give too much plot away but i play a newscaster: marty oheta(a totaly original name)
interesting fact: news stands for north east west and south
ok its not that interesting, but impress your friends with your new knowledge
FRIEND: “hey phil how was your weekend?”
YOU: “did u just ask me what news means?”