Wednesday, February 9, 2011

The Cookies Are Here

Not since you raided your Grandma's pantry to cobble together a lemonade stand has such a startling amount of youthful entrepreneurship been observable. The Hitler Youth Organization Girl Scouts are out in force and they're bringing with them delicious boxes of cookies that you absolutely have to buy. I'm not saying its a racket, but shit man I was in The Boy Scouts (until I got kicked out due to an alarming propensity for starting fires) and there was no WAY we could compete with these little strumpets and their boxed cocaine. Shit, I think they had us shilling the same lame bullshit you used to sell at school fundraisers. Catalogs full of gift wrap and summer sausage. Delicious.

Now don't get me wrong, I have lots of friends with daughters who are ALL into figure skating, gymnastics, cheer leading, and girl scouting and any combination of a dozen activities that girls are into and I am in full support of that. Strapping razor sharp blades to little girls foots, training them to do ninja flips, literally throwing small girls high in the air and hoping for the best, and teaching them to light fires (do Girl Scouts even do stuff like that? I remember Boy Scouts was all about playing with knives and setting fires. Dan is an Eagle Scout.).. How could you not be all over that?

What I take umbrage with is the designs on the boxes. Literally all they're missing is a kid in a wheel chair to make these things more mid-90's politically correct than a movie starring Jeremy Piven and David Spade. These kids sell more than 200,000,000 boxes a year and they can't get better clip art? Obviously they spare no expense to educate the girls about internets safety, yet this pyramid scheme no doubt perpetrated by Cookie Monster, of Sesame Street fame is unable to cough up enough dough (did you see what I did there?) to do another photo shoot.

Let's take this first example. This is from the perennial classic Thin Mints. By far my favorite Girl Scout cookie, and some would argue the only one worth mentioning. Fuck the Tagalog cookies, and whatever else they make. They are all the very tip of a horsedick as far as I'm concerned. If you don't agree with me I'll make a wikipedia page about it and then everyone will know its true. What could these gals possibly be doing that is so dangerous they would all have to wear helmets? Shucks, when I was growing up only the biggest of nerds wore helmets when riding their bikes, let alone when wandering about in the woods near rope ladders. I know what you're thinking, "Grant stop making fun of these girls! They're just little girls!" Well If I'm going to be paying $4 a box I don't want to have Donna Downs and Todd Bosley (you know, that geeky kid who was in like 30 movies from the early 90s? He was in Little Giants? You'll recognize him and then laugh when I compare him to the girl(?) climbing the rope ladder after you click the link.) starring at me while I try to enjoy the delicious minty chocolaty goodness.

Now I'm willing to suspend my disbelief for one troop. Sure, maybe that last box of cookies was a troop that had girls from a whole bunch of different neighborhoods. But look at this box of Thank U Berry Munch. What the fuck is this cookie, I don't even. I've literally never heard of it. Obviously the girl on the far left who bears a striking resemblance to Hypno-Toad needs to say "No Thank U Berry Munch" to a few boxes. She's had enough. Fatty. The only thing separating this from a forcefully diverse United Colors of Benetton ad is hipster clothing. I think. Is that what they're selling with this:

What ever that is. I'm still not sure what they even sell at that company. Asian adoption pyramid scheme? Gently used hypodermic needles? Your guess is as good as mine. I took time out of my busy schedule to design a new box for next year, I feel like we're really gonna sell some cookies.